my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
