it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
