Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
