Where is the hickey?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
