Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
