Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
