sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
