My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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