I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
