The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
