I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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