my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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