dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
