You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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