He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
