I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
