Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize