she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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