i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize