OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
