so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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