was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How does one acquire holy water?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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