Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
