You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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