thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
