They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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