Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
