These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
