Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
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I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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