I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
