I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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