last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
