respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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