Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
