Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Of course I have a pirate flag
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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