I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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