No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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