Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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