I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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