Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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