If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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