Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
