I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
