Yo dont text me then not text me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
