You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
