I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
