It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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