I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
