I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
