i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
