he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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