Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
