listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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