I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
