he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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