One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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